Personal

Not a fun post,  but I don't want to keep bothering people with my problems, so I'll write here.

Yesterday,  someone I know attempted suicide. They tried reaching out to me by phone,  but I didn't pick up since I wasn't in the mood to talk. That person didn't leave a message,  so I figured that it wasn't important... that is until I heard of the attempted suicide. This person partially blames me,  since I didn't stop them. I feel like shit.

When that's not bad enough,  a close friend of mine told me today that she's debating suicide,  so I spent a long time talking to her. So far,  she seems ok,  but the whole situation in general bothers me.

On top of that,  my appetite is messed up. Everything I eat makes me sick. It's getting to the point where I just want to quit eating.

Besides that,  I can't pay my student loans... there's a total of $2 in my account.

I've tried to stay cheerful, but... I can't fool myself anymore.

I usually talk to my friends,  but anymore... I don't think they'll help.... or more like.... their problems will stress me out more.

I'm just really messed up anymore.

I used to have everything in life planned out. I planned to get the job from Interac and move to Japan... but that plan failed. It was the only real thing that I wanted in life. I should've known from the start that it was a waste of time.

Whoever came up with rabbits being the luckiest sign, of all... obviously had no clue what they were talking about. I'm not lucky and it seems I never will be. And... I'm exceptionally unlucky. I told myself years ago to give up on relationships.... and yet.... it seems like I fail at that. Yet,  even if the person I like likes me back.... I won't do anything. I can't do anything. He deserves someone waaaaaay better than me and... I need my life straightened out. Besides,  when it comes down to it... love is a waste of time.